confusion/what if

many times the world & my surroundings has confused me. because i thought i didn't belong, that i didn't know or understand my own place in the world. who could of thought the people in your life who you thought you could count on the most aren't there, they're just dragging you on. and every day i wonder where my place in the world is, what life has in store for me, other times i feel like there's nothing really there for me and so i think of things i shouldn't do, things i wouldn't dream of doing. but life has just been a clouded judgment in my mind. i do care about the people in my life, and i do want to make them proud and happy of me but what good does it do, if people only see you as how your actions played throughout the years, how could you make them see differently of you. easy, you make a change but i somewhat have trouble doing that because I'm afraid of change. if i do continue thinking of the negative thoughts and be swallowed up in my sadness, and if something should happen to me would they care? would they care if i left the world and left them with confusion and sadness? well that's a "what if"

WEEKEND.JUST FLYS~

I can't remember what I did friday & saturday but I can tell you it probably wasn't much. Today I went to visit my cousins, which was alright. Even though they're crazy & what not, it's okay cause one day they'll grow up, and be normal and not act all goofy laughing about butt's and whatever teen bopper's these days do, oh yeah I have never listen to people sing to Hannah Montana for so long, constantly it was the same song they were singing over & over, " yeahhh its a party in the usa!! " WTF. lol omg I was so annoyed and couldn't really concentrate on kickin' they're asses on some game we were playin' cause of they're sucky singing. But yeah, that was my weekend. pretty lame if you ask me. So now I'm gonna finish watching my shows then head to bed. goodnight.

Yesterday&Today.

Yesterday was alright, got out the house, and hung out with Mal. It was the usual, think up of shit to do, & not be bored. First we were thinking about heading to the movies to see "Saw VI" but then, I changed my mind cause I put in a order from a friend of his. So we headed out to meet him got the goods & headed back to Mal's crib. When we got home, we hooked up his xbox live back so we could play online again, played that shit for a couple hours, then fell asleep. Woke up around 11'ish, chilled til around almost 3, & came home. Right now I'm thinking.. I'm hungry even though I ate a whole pizza, a sandwich, and couple snacks at Mal's house. But yeahh... I'll update more later tonight.

EDIT: I LIE! (dont have much to say.)

Updates.

Hm.. where to begin, well the last couple days until now have been okay. I went to go see "Michael Jackson's: This Is It" yesterday it was good although I didn't feel he was giving it his all, probably because he was saving it for the actual tour, but to see him rehearse, dance & sing, it was great to see he still has it, & it's sad people never really appreciated or noticed him until now that he's gone. Overall, I liked it. Up until today, I'm left..thoughtless/confused. During a dispute that happened last night..*shrugs* I don't even know where to begin because I'm still puzzled by it. I really don't know what to say.. because I wish I could of did something to stop it from happening, but you expect lots of things to happen unexpectedly & you have to face the unexpected. But we've been through this, in & out, a lot of times, I hate it. Because I feel I can't do anything to resolve it. Yeah.. I just hope she's happy, whatever she does, where-ever she'll go. I'll keep my word on the thing's I told her & I hope she remembers, Maybe in time we'll forget what's happened & try to resolve it, but for now..
" I Want You To Be Happy. "

happy halloweennnn~

Happy Halloween Everyone!
- Anyways, I hope everyone has a great halloween even though I don't have any plans at the moment. Little kids, be safe! and remember if any big kids tries to steal your candy kick them in the foot! >:] lol but yeah, be careful about the candies too they could be poisonous. I told my little nephew when he goes trick-or-treating to bring me back lots of candy ^-^ cuz yes, I am too old to go trick-or-treating, a 20yr. old in a halloween costume.. odd dont you think ?, But yeah I guess I'll prob. end up giving out candy or something (we dont even have a lot of candy btw.) I hope a lot of kids dont come by cause if I run out, I'll have to put up a, " out of candy sign " on the front door (lmao). I wonder what my younger relatives are doing, maybe I should go steal their candy after today (haha) I know they'll have lots anyways. I think some of my friends are going out tonight probably to some parties, or the club. So anyways i'll edit this later tonight so I can tell you guys what I did today.

Wow.

I just woke up about an hour & 20mins. ago, I forgot what time I even fell asleep guess I was that tired. Since the first post, everything has been the same, same o ordinary life. I just wished I had more in my life than how it is now, because it's pretty shitty. I'm driven to make a 'happening' but options & decisions still cloud my head. Yes, like most people I do want to succeed, make my family proud, and be somebody, but for the 20yrs. of my life I still don't know who I am nor what I want. I don't want people to make my life decisions for me, because I want to do it myself, make my own mistakes, learn from them. It's easy for the people who has it all & gets it handed to them, but to me they do not know the definition of gaining it to receive it. My family has always been supportive of me, & always wanted me to do what I liked, what interested me. But as years progress my parents get older and my sister has a life of her own, I know I can't depend on them for the rest of my life. They would want me to build a life, a happy one.

Edit: Whew, today was very tiring, thats all i have to say. lol -goodbye.

Day One.

Today was very boring, I went to sleep late again because I was on the phone w/ Na this morning. she wanted me to keep her company while she did her essay for class. I stayed on the phone but barely said anything (its not that I didn't want to talk) I didn't really know what to say cause she just wanted me to talk like I was talking to myself lol, pretty funny if you ask me. anyways, afterwards we sort of conversed about what we were doing the next day, she had errands to run plus had another assignment due (I felt bad for her cause she seems to have a busy schedule everyday) it seems its more stressful than it use to be.

Me, my schedule wasn't all that busy, just basically finish my assignments, study & go about my week. I really haven't talked to my cousin Lin in awhile, I wonder what she has been up to, & hows everything with her, she wants me to head to Louisiana so we could go to Dallas together this weekend, with her & Tony, but I don't know I'm still debating. I am also sick.. -_-" what a bummer, hopefully I'll get better soon . Anyways, for a first blog I guess this is a good start, I'll update more things later on.
goodbye&thxs for reading.